Thanks to my GoSmile kit and my Crest Whitestrips, my teeth are going to be So White. Like white on rice. Like a Greek villa on the island of Santorini just after a rainshower at noon. Like a fresh stick of Secret Platinum Plus Shower Fresh deodorant. They will be so white, NASA scientists will use my teeth as a perfect reflective surface to bounce cosmic rays deep into the Crab Nebula, which will have to be subsequently renamed to Ariana's Galactic Teeth Cloud.
I will smile and people will be able to check *their* teeth for food in the perfect reflection cast by my teeth. Babies will coo. Old people will stop shuffling. I will have the admiration of the British and the Basque. Madame Tussaud will contact me for a casting session, and my perfectly white teeth will have its own hall, entitled Ariana's Teeth Experience.
