August 2001 Archives

(...Pretending this is the chalkboard at the beginning of the Simpsons and I am Bart): I MUST NOT TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY I MUST NOT TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY I MUST NOT TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY

...you get the idea.

I suspect there is a high correlation between:

• (Non-ironic) gingham-patterned apparel owners and owners of SUVs.
• George Foreman grill owners and people with more than 2 televisions.
• Caffeine-free Diet Coke drinkers and people who think Nathan Lane is a genius.
• Chronic list-makers and the unemployed.

I was just thinking about how long this weblog has been up and running, and I couldn't remember. I get my years mixed up. I think I started it in the spring of '99, though it could have been '98. My archives were wiped out in an unfortunate server accident, and ever since, I kind of wondered what the point of archives were in a weblog. I mean, it's a daily thing, right? Isn't that the point of this whole "weblog" business? And it's not like I'm reporting on issues that matter. Good god...in more discriminating times I would be strung up by my peanut toes and lambasted for writing such dreck. Anyway. Lack of talent has, for better or worse, kept me from doing few things.

Starting tomorrow, I think I will start every conversation with, "Verily, I say unto you..." I think this would make me a big hit in job interviews.

Ten Things to Say in an Interview for a Job You Don't Really Want All That Much

1. "My scabs got better when I stopped itching so much."
2. "...Nice to meet you. And say hello to my wittle fwiend 'Mister Wooby.'"
3. (talking to self in compact mirror) "You're the bestest! In the whole wide world!! Yesss you are! Yess you are!"
4. "Will there be room in my cubicle for my vintage sandwich collection?"
5. "...Good god. Did you just fart?"
6. "Sometimes I like to make a little raisin trail from my cubicle to the bathroom. It helps me remember the way."
7. "So who did you sleep with to get this office?"
8. "I find that most people, when asked to really think about it, don't appreciate the smell of parmesan cheese."
9. "To boost coworker morale, I like to cover myself in yellow Post-Its and prance about the office while singing 'I Touch Myself.'"
10. "Hoowee, I'm tired. Got any crank?"

From an interview with Berkeley Breathed in the Onion (thanks Brian):

BB: [...] And irony, oh, the goddamned irony, that courses through the popular culture like a cancer. If nothing is serious anymore, then there's nothing to satirize. Look at George W. Bush. He knows the game. He knows he's a maroon, as Daffy Duck would say, and refuses to take himself seriously. He cut off our satirist balls. We're like a gaggle of eunuchs running around the palace, wishing we could hump the princess. The game's changed forever.